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Sunday, 22 September 2019

Why Did You Get Married with Henriette Thatcher's Lounge (Part 2)

Dear friends, as we continue this series on the REALITIES of Marriage, I implore everyone to check his or herself inside out, and if you are honest, you might figure out why you are happy or unhappy in your marriage, or better still why you divorced the he/she who was once our heaven on earth.


Some of us intentionally get pregnant for a man and use it to trap him in marrying us, which is NOT right. I mediated and dissolved a 5 years union, which traditionally cemented, but never went beyond the traditional palm wine in a calabash.

Uncle Donald (UD) 35 years and Aunty Madam 38 years dated for just one month. Aunty Madam Patience(AMP) asked UD during their first sex night if he would like to have children out of wedlock. UD told her he didn't want children out of wedlock, and that he would love to have an orderly life. Get married and bear all his children with his wife, as in one mother for ALL his children.

AMP according to her own words during one of the hearing sessions said because of UD's caring nature, she deliberately got pregnant for him and knowing that the guy's principle was NO CHILD before marriage she knew that he would have no choice than to ask her to marry him.

Well, the pregnancy news was a hard knock on UD, who said he was not ready for marriage but would take care of AMP and the baby, and with time when he MIGHT be ready, they can get married. But he did emphasized that he was not ready.

AMP said if UD refused to marry her, she would abort the pregnancy. UD did all he could to persuade her that they shouldn't rush into a marriage that soon, but AMP held grass that abortion or marriage.

Not wanting her to abort his baby he was forced to go to her parents and pay her bride price, and that was it.

Fast forward she delivered a baby boy and being under the same roof, they both discovered that they were not meant to be together. They disagreed on everything except sex.

Yes they slept on the same bed, lived under the same roof but behaved like strangers. It got to a point where AMP became UD's worse nightmare. He constantly reminded her that she forced him into marrying her, whereas he had not grown to love her. It got to a point where UD started spending nights outside and only came for a change of clothes.

AMP went into fasting. She visited church after church praying that God should touch UD's heart and bring him back to her.

Did God answer her prayers?
Why Did You Get Married with Henriette Thatcher's Lounge (Part 2)

To her NO God did not answer her prayers, because UD went from bad to worse, and even the sex they were having became far fetch for her.

To me YES, God did actually answered her prayer but she refused to see beyond her dying wish of wanting to fix a marriage that never was meant to be.

"Madam Thatcher can we fix it?" AMP asked me.

YES, of course, we can fix it by doing what is right.

What is the right thing to do?
Go your separate ways. Painful as it may sound, I advised the couple to break up because the relationship was neither working for UD nor for AMP.

Yes he was caring and loving which seems to be some of his great qualities. But he was not ready for babies out of wedlock, yet he went in for UNPROTECTED PREMARITAL SEX, which is where he got nailed, paid for the consequences in an unhappy marriage. I blamed him for that and he acknowledged that weakness.

As for AMP, she intentionally got pregnant because she knew it would push him to marry her, and she succeeded, but her schemes of wanting to become MADAM UD, actually brought her into unhappiness and untold emotional bruises that plunged her into a deep depression.

I concluded the case by asking UD to settle her financially so that she can go start life afresh elsewhere, and also that her family should try and refund UD's bride price to free her.

I know some sisters here would want to jump to AMP's rescue, but before you do that, ask yourself these questions?
1. Was there any serious relationship before the pregnancy? No there wasn't any. They were having sex for fun. Yes, HE was caring and loving, and those were the characteristics of her dream man. But was She also caring and loving towards him to match his dream wife? She wanted to fulfil her desire, but how about him? We should not forget that SEX is different from MAKING LOVE(topic for another day).

2. How long did the sexual adventure roll, before she DECIDED to get pregnant for him cunningly? 1 Month only.

3. Did they agree together to implement a marriage project? Not at all. AMP was looking for a husband. Did UD tell her he wanted her for a wife?

4. Marriage is not based on loving and caring Loving and caring are branches that grow on the tree of TRUE LOVE after the seed called FOUNDATION has been planted. On what soil was the seed planted? On the soil of deceit and selfishness. How long do such seeds take to sprout? A couple of weeks. Since it was planted in the midst of stones(tricks), after sprouting can it grow to a tree and bear fruits? Hell NO...

Dear sisters, as per my advice, UD rented an apartment for AMT and paid one-year rents, and as I write, she is in Cotonou to buy goods for the newly inaugurated shop. She looks healthier. Depression is gradually fading thanks to my On/Offline Counseling, and her voluntary return to celibacy, the big bed she sleeps on peacefully for 8 hours without having to stay up all night, waiting for a husband who might not even return, and when he returns, his body odour is blessing his clothes with the fragrance of a fresh feminine perfume.

"MA Thatcher I can't thank you enough for opening my eyes to reality. I was thinking of harming UD for putting me through stress but you made me realize that you cannot force love. I did not stop cursing him because he did not love me. But I now have more peace of mind, after realizing that we were not meant to be, though letting him go is not easy, I can live happily without him. He takes care of his son, and we are more friendly now that we are apart. Thank you, Ma". AMP said during our last session before she travelled to Cotonou.

Dear house can we see in this TRUE LIFE STORY, why this marriage could not work? Because of it NEVER EXISTED.

Dear Aunty Madams-turned- Uncles what Marriage Doctrines are you preaching to our daughters and young girls!? That because your marriage failed due to unfortunate circumstances, all marriages are hell? No sisters. Marriage just like every other institution in life, goes step by step, till those involved have acknowledged themselves as QUALIFIED, then can a marriage succeed. Qualified in underlooking certain things.

Qualified in selflessness. Qualified in accepting that none is perfect. Qualified in love for the sake of True LOVE with no strings attached. Qualified to know that a divorce is never an option where there is sincere repentance. Qualified to know that the two have become one. Qualified to know that the husband is the HEAD, with Aunty Madam remains the HEART. We all know what the heart is, and the list of marriage qualities goes on. Unless both of you are QUALIFIED, then and then can you gather an applauding crowd, to say I DO.

Goodnight house, we will be back soon with Part 3

As you lie beside your wife/husband tonight, ask yourselves why you got married to them, and let you conscience do its job.

Goodnight House.

Lady Henriette NSHAN TEM Is A Cameroonian Blogger, Relationship Counselor, Motivational Speaker, Women’s Activist against domestic violence and child abuse, Advocate for the girl child and Humanitarian and Society Moral Instructor.

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