Stop Bleeding for Those Who Hurt You: Lessons in Love, Leadership, and Healing Pastoral Scars
Written By: Oudney Patsika, Founder & CEO, Brand Architect
Too often, we tell ourselves a dangerous lie in the name of loyalty, love, or submission: "They didn’t mean to hurt me; they’re just under pressure." We carry invisible scars, refusing to name them, because we are too busy justifying the very people who caused them. This silence keeps us trapped, draining our energy and potential, until we learn to acknowledge our pain and reclaim our power.
The Definition of the Scar
A scar is not just a memory of pain; it is evidence of a wound that altered the texture of your skin. In relationships—whether personal or professional—a scar represents unresolved trauma, gaslighting, manipulation, and the systematic erosion of your self-worth. It creates a PTSD where you begin to view every future interaction through the lens of your past pain.
1. The Leadership Scar
In the corporate world, I see brilliant young professionals whose spirits have been broken by insecure leaders. This happens when a mentor or boss uses your talent to build their empire while actively suppressing your growth.
"They wound you with words like 'loyalty' and 'paying your dues' to justify verbal abuse, idea theft, or gross neglect of your well-being."
The Justification: "But he gave me my first shot." "But she is a titan in the industry."
The Truth: Access to opportunity does not give anyone the license to abuse you. True leadership reproduces leaders; it does not create followers who bleed.
2. The Pastoral Scar
This is perhaps the deepest cut because it bleeds into the soul. We see congregants and serving teams burned out, financially exploited, or emotionally manipulated under the guise of "serving the vision." When questioning is treated as rebellion, you are being scarred.
"If the altar you serve at is killing you, it is not a place of sacrifice; it is a crime scene."
The Justification: "Touch not the anointed."
The Truth: Anointing does not exempt character. God does not require you to lose your sanity to serve His kingdom.
3. The Love Scar
In our personal lives, these scars manifest as the partner who treats you as an option while you treat them as a priority. It is the emotional unavailability, the infidelity, or the subtle comments that chip away at your confidence.
The Justification: "But I love him/her."
The Truth: You cannot love potential. You must interact with reality. If their presence in your life brings more anxiety than peace, you are not in a relationship; you are in a hostage situation.
The Oudney Patsika Protocol for Healing
Look at the people you lead, love, and follow. Do you leave their presence feeling empowered or drained? Be honest about the data.
You are not the problem. You were simply the available target for their dysfunction. Stop asking what you did to deserve the knife.
Leaving is hard, especially when money, reputation, or love is involved. But you must calculate the cost of staying. If it costs you your peace, it is too expensive. Leave the job. Change the church. End the relationship.
Have you experienced these scars? Let's talk about building healthy ecosystems.
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