Dear friends, so many sisters on this platform are misunderstanding so many things about marriage, because of BITTER EXPERIENCES or otherwise.
In my journey as a Marriage Counselor, I have tried to rate the causes of divorce in recent times and in the dark ages of our parents.
I came to the conclusion that lack of knowledge of what marriage is all about, is the reason why marriages fail woefully in recent times.
Some of us look at marriage as a child's plaything. They just want to rush in as quickly as they can, without knowing why they are going in. Some say they want to experiment marriage and any marriage use for experiment can never survive.
The fact that our own marriages failed does not mean we should or cannot survive that of others.
Intelligent people go closer to couples who have been married for long, to learn the secret of a happy marriage.
Before our time, marriages lasted longer, even though most marriages were out of ignorance. Even the ignorance, did not stop couples from being married for the purpose of what marriage should be.
Marriage was real. Some of our fathers could not father children. They begged their friends or brothers to impregnate their wives, and children born from such agreements grew up knowing the man who raised them as their father, and you will never hear it anywhere. But today, how many women can do that without blackmailing the man to silence?
Marriages before were sacred with no strings attached. Divorce was scarce. Domestic violence existed(which we condemn) and to avoid cheating, many men got into polygamy. Men did the least they could do before bringing in someone's daughter into their homes as a wife. Men dowried their wives not the other way round. Today we give men money to marry us.
Divorce was not as common as it is today. Depression was not as rampant as it is today. Suicide was not as common as it is today.
Today we have grown to want to change everything in the wrong way, and we end up being depressed because we want things our way. I have mediated marital conflicts where a woman committed adultery, got pregnant and I brought peace back and man forgave her. She started collecting money from the child's biological father behind her husband, started dating the man again until his wife caught them and asked her husband to warn his wife.
This Aunty's husband sent her packing and she came to me and God used me in a big way. Her husband forgave her, but I am surprised she is under the Airport saga post saying if she was AMS she would divorce UFA? Terrible
Divorce is the order of the day now. Very few women walk out of marriages for genuine reasons, e.g abuse (physical and emotional).
Most of us women who are divorced today got married for all the WRONG REASONS, and then we cry foul. Any honest sister who got married and started talking of divorce within a short period of time should do a self-examination with questions like :
Why Did I get married?
Some of us women see a man who at 50 has married 5 different times to 5 different women. We don't get to find out why FIVE women left him. We believe in his pity story of 'I am not lucky with women'. You judge his exes. You rush him into marrying you and within 4 months into staying with him under the same roof, you discover his real colours. Did you have time to listen to any of his ex-wives, or investigate why marriage is not favourable to him?
Some of us have been blessed financially and instead of using our wealth to bless others, we pressure our partner into marriage even when they honestly tell us that they are not ready. We rush them, not understanding why they say they are not ready. Maybe he is not ready because he needs to clear off his flirtatious habit. But how many young women today do things the right way before entering a man's house?
We propose to men give them money for our bride prices and make a big wedding just to let the world know we too can be married. While in the marriage, because we want to wear trousers and become the head instead of the heart and when the man refuses to submit to your demands, you want a divorce.
Some of us meet men on Social Media, without knowing anything about them and when we meet for the first time, we are heading to our families for him to dowry us. Then signing, then church wedding and yes we wear the ultimate round finger metal in the name of wedding rings. Since marriage is a reality we start complaining about this or that. How long did you know him before spending on him? Online to the altar. For two years it's been just phone. When you meet instead of spending at least a month to be sure of each other, we just want to make it happen. We marry a total stranger. One we know nothing about. When his true colours start revealing, we say marriage is bad.
Very few men appreciate women who spend on them. I mediated a dispute where the lady and her man were staying in a two-room apartment house. The man who was a Government Secondary/High school Teacher from ENS took his responsibilities and took a house his 200k salary could pay, feed and manage. Things were great until Aunty Madam Banker(AMB) went ahead rented a 150 thousand monthly apartments, furnished it before coming to inform Uncle Teacher(UT). What a slap on the face!!. Good initiative, but WRONG APPROACH.
UT refused to move into AMB's new luxurious home because she neither consulted nor discussed with him before engaging in the project. Where is Dialogue among the couples? She started complaining that he was stingy and did not want them to grow. That the husband loves leaving in a pigsty.
She moved into her new place with her children, telling them UT is an enemy of progress. He is an enemy of progress today because she earns more than him. When he was sending her to the University, he was not an enemy of progress.
Long story short he stood his grounds and after three months, he got himself an Agatha. AMB knew he would worship her path because of her money. When she saw that she was losing him, she started collapsing. Then she claimed to be emotionally abused. She consulted me. She wanted her husband back.
UT's only condition was that she should leave her rented mansion and come back to his pigsty as once told him. And if there has to be a decision in their standard of living, they both have to discuss and agree.
UT married her and not the contrary. Any woman who thinks she can make bold decisions in her marriage without consulting her partner because she has a bigger financial hand does not know what marriage is all about.
(I will be back with - Part 2)
Lady Henriette NSHAN TEM Is A Cameroonian Blogger, Relationship Counselor, Motivational Speaker, Women’s Activist against domestic violence and child abuse, Advocate for the girl child and Humanitarian and Society Moral Instructor.
Website: www.henriettethatcher.com
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