Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Why on earth did I marry you?

Why on earth did I marry you? Of all suitable persons on this world, how did I in my right mind settle on you? I am not sure that I made the right decision to marry you. Surely is this what I really got myself into? I want out of this marriage, I need a break. Are all men like this? I thought my wife was different from what I read about other women. Is this what I was looking forward to in this marriage?

If you have been married for more than a week and you have never asked yourself the above questions, then you might be one in a million. Most of us who are married have at one point or another asked ourselves this question (s) severally in the course of our marriage – that is if we are honest enough. You might have posed the same question to our spouse as well, even packing your bags to leave.

Why on earth did I marry you?
A marriage is a union of two imperfect couples. Conflicts within a marriage will come as sure as the sun rises from the east and sets in the west. Although those yet to be married casually and confidently says that ‘marriage has its ups and downs’, few have any imagination what the ‘ups and downs’ really entails. The reality hits hard, when they finally settle down and start asking themselves the above questions. Indeed marriage is hard work.

Fact of the matter is your spouse will at several points in this life will hurt. He or she will disappoint you many many times. They are likely to do the same things over and over again and hurt you again and again. The gravity of the matters usually varies, but bottom line is that your spouse has probably said or done some stuff that have deeply hurt you.You have felt ashamed, embarrassed, belittled, dis-respected or dishonored.

Most of us react differently when faced by this heart breaks. Some decide to shout at the top of their voices and hurl unprintable words towards their spouses. Others decide to revenge and inflict similar or worse hurting stuff to their spouses. Others would cry their hearts and shed loads of tears as they ponder on the ‘why’ their husband had to do such stuff to them – at times the very thought of what else you may not know hurts most than what you already know. For some they handle heartaches through silence – they give their spouse a ‘nil by mouth’ moment. Others just walk away until they cool down. Others chose to confront the situation head on, and would not hear anything talk of a time off.

At the heat of the moment one can reach a point of quitting. You might look at the situation and feel that it’s beyond help, you feel your marriage cannot be salvaged. You give one look at your spouse and you feel that your life has lost meaning. You feel betrayed, disappointed, embarrassed by your spouse. You feel that by their words or actions, they have completely destroyed that which you have built together over the years. You cannot take it anymore.

If the issue revolves around another man or woman in your spouse’s life, then matters can really take a nose dive. At such heated moment, all reasoning is thrown to the dogs. A small issue can be extrapolated and conclusions drawn and things that didn’t even happen – now become a matter of fact that have happened. At the heat of the moment, it’s unlikely that any progress can be made towards reconciliation and forgiveness.

The way that you react to a situation also varies. Give yourself some time to cool off in the best way you know how. At the bottom of it all, it is important to reflect and realize that if there is one example of imperfection – you are a living example. Before throwing the first stone (which you are justified by all means), it would be important to cede some ground especially if you are the one who has been offended. The bitterness can be overwhelming. Talking to an understanding and trustworthy friend can help you appreciate, that your case may not be as bad as you imagine it. It can be resolved.

A marriage is a union of two imperfect persons. Understanding that as a human, your spouse will hurt you sometimes and you at some other point will hurt him or her should help you give an understanding ear. We are all gullible. There is no one perfect person. If you had been faced by similar environment your response to the issue at hand, would probably be the same. Imagine how the reaction of your spouse would be, if the current situation was reversed? Would you want him or her to forgive you? I bet you would.

So today, chose to give your spouse a chance to make mistakes. Just like a child makes baby steps, and fall and then rise again to make effort to walk, give your spouse a chance to grow up in marriage. Give your spouse today a chance to outgrow his or her mistakes. Understand that in one of these days, you could be the one on the dock – facing a barrage of unending questions from your spouse, and for sure you would like him or her to understand the circumstances that you were faced with at that point in time.

Although at some point you might regret marrying your spouse at the heat of the moment, if you give yourself sometime to cool off, you might realize that indeed it was not a mistake to marry him or her. This man or woman is still the greatest friend you have around and despite all his flaws (plus yours) you still make a great couple all the same. So put your best foot forward, and make your marriage work guided by a forgiving and an understanding loving heart.

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