Friday, 10 October 2014

Key pillars for a strong marriage

HELLO there everyone, I hope you had a great week.
This week I have a letter from a woman who says she is married to a man who had an affair sometime again. He got HIV from this woman and now he is back wanting the marriage to work. She said she still loves her husband and he said they have to use condoms when they have sex. He said this would be for life. Help me I need your advice before something stupid happens to me.

Oh wow my dear, I am so sorry you are faced with this issue. But like I always say…you are not the first and neither are you going to be the last. It is not fair, but such is life. I never know what is the right advice and I believe each person knows how far they are willing to go with their partners. So the advice I am going to give you is going to be general because only you know how much your heart can take.

I am glad you said you love him still because that is one of the basis you need to keep your relationship going. But love is not enough. Friendship, trust, communication and sex are the other pillars that will keep your relationship strong.

Communication
I do not know why your man strayed from your marriage, but I think it would be great for the two of you to sort this out first (like counselling), so as not to have the same thing repeat itself a few years later.

I know that when an affair happens there are always three main players minimum (the cheaters male plus female and the one being cheated on). So once love or sex is shared between more than one partner, there is always a rebound.
Key pillars for a strong marriage
Chances are the other woman will one day come looking for your husband again unless she was giving your husband sexual favours with no attachment. You must ensure your husband has closed the door to the other woman both physically and mentally. Then you need to both figure out the reason he did what he did and make sure he deals with the root of it. If you do not; he will stray again into another woman’s arms.

Trust
A good marriage is based on trust. Without this you will be living like enemies. One day friends, the next day enemies. Trust is earned and so your husband must know that even though you have taken him back and you still love him, but you may be filled with all sorts of suspicions, some justified, some not. So this is important for you to work through and it will take time and be very hard, but if you manage, it will make your marriage stronger than before.

Sex
Personally I think a marriage void of sex can run into some problems later on; but I know one or two couples, who very rarely have sex and they are okay. Personally I think they are no different from being brother and sister or roommates seriously.

Sex is very important especially for men, so if your husband suggests you use condoms I think that is excellent advice. He is obviously protecting you which is loving and is what husbands should be doing. Of course he should have thought about you before he had sex with another woman – but that is water under the bridge now – let’s look to a positive future. I feel from your letter that you are not keen on using condoms often. You may be feeling like it’s a punishment as a married woman to have to use protection and not be able to enjoy the feeling of your husband. You have three choices here. First you can use condoms which will go a long way in preventing you from getting AIDS.

You may prefer comfort to protection thus not using condoms, but of cause it won’t be long before you also become infected with the virus. Lastly you could choose to walk away from the marriage and start again. I think you have chosen well by staying with your husband.

Love
I can never stress this enough – when a couple realises that there are at least four different types of Love and each of them cross through your marital path periodically. You have to use each one when it is necessary. So when you have to love each other unconditionally like now – do it. It’s not forever, there may be times when you have to hold each other responsible for the selfish things you may do to each other.

Then there is the brother and sister like love, where life may take you through some things that are stressful and all you want to do is get through it – no sex or romance, just support. Then there is the sexual love, I call it lust lol, no need to explain, it is about satisfying each other physically and more. so do not deny each other’s conjugal rights.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.

Well done for making the decision to take your husband back and well done to your husband for wanting to make sure you do not catch his disease. However I cannot stress enough, the journey is long and it is going to take all the strength from both of you to make it work every day. Live for each other and fight for each other without regrets.

Hope this helps you see things clearly. Good luck!

Until next week, God bless!

Anastasia can be messaged on 0772 933 845.

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