Friday, 10 August 2018

Dear Amai Chisamba - Wife Wants To Make Me The Maid!

I have a big problem, life has changed for the worst for me in the last three years. I am 38 and my wife is 35. We have been married for over a decade and are blessed with two boys and a girl.


I had an executive job with a private company and we used to enjoy an upmarket lifestyle. The company closed down because of the harsh economic conditions ariko mazuva ano. It is not easy to come from plenty to having to make do with almost nothing. I am a professional and I am not built for kiya-kiya.

My wife is now the main breadwinner. It is not easy to be in the situation I am in now. My wife is a PA to some male boss at an NGO.

She has totally forgotten that when the going was good it was me who catered to her needs. Now she treats me serombe. She adores her boss and she mentions him in each and every conversation. I have tried to come up with different projects but it is like I am cursed and nothing ever takes off.

Kuchengetwa nemukadzi huranda kana hunhapwa chaiwo. I am the one now doing the school run and I have to explain why petrol has gone down too quickly. When she asks me to go and buy things she wants me to keep the receipts so that she crosschecks.

When our kids come to ask that I buy things for them, she laughs and tells them to tell mummy if they are serious.

The other day I overheard her tell one of her friends that ari kurarama sechirikadzi.

My parents have a farm and nothing much is coming from there. My wife even suggested that I go and stay with my parents instead of kutevedza mastreet aimlessly.

My heart bleeds amai, my wife has forgotten what sacrifices I made for her. Even the education she boasts about today, I am the one who sent her to school when I married her.

Now she travels with her boss whenever he goes for workshops, zvanzi ibasa. I am heartbroken.

I love my kids but the treatment I am getting from my wife makes me think of leaving. Please advise me wisely, should I go and stay with my parents or not?

Ndikaenda handidzoke. She is really pushing me against the wall. She has even suggested that we fire the maid then I do the house chores. Ndadadirwa, zvakwana.

Response

In Shona we say “kukanganwa chazuro nehope”. I think this is the situation that your wife is in.

She has forgotten where she came from. She is not excluded from any problems you may be facing because you are one in marriage. She should not send wrong messages to the kids by implying that you are a useless father. You talk about projects not taking off, most take a bit of time to take shape. Try not to always expect instant results.
Dear Amai Chisamba - Wife Wants To Make Me The Maid!
Branch into things that you have a passion for first before you even think about the money you can make. It is not easy to transition from a king to a jack, many people find it very hard to make this adjustment.

Doing the school run should give you a lot of fulfilment, not embarrassment.


I think your wife needs help, she seems to be living in the past. She must accept reality and work towards helping her family. She may adore the boss but the truth is he just remains her boss. She should not create a situation where you think something is going on.

I do not understand why all of a sudden she hero worships her boss. Yes, it is good to have a professional relationship but bringing him into each and every conversation is uncalled for.
People who truly love each other and respect their marriage will be there for each other even when the chips are down.

Mangwana ndinhasi, the winds of change may blow again in your favour — then what will happen?

Do not paint all women with the same brush. There are so many out there looking after their husbands and kids day in and day out. I urge you not to go and stay at the farm. You belong with your family.

Your wife is taking it a bit too far. If the reason for letting the maid go is because she can no longer afford her, there is a better way of saying it. It should be a collective decision not hers alone. I think you need to speak to a counsellor who will revisit why people marry in the first place and walk you through the values of marriage.

Do not lose hope. It is just a bad patch in your life and it will pass. With prayer all things are possible. Pray over this and God will grant you your heart’s desires. I wish you all the best.

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