Friday, 10 August 2018

Dear Amai Chisamba - Having An Affair With A Married Man

Dear Amai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I am a girl aged 23 and I don’t know what is going on in my life. I met the man I am currently seeing when I was redoing my Ordinary Level science subjects.


He was caring towards everyone. My friends thought I was having an affair with him because he was and still is my teacher. They started to gossip about it and I became an outcast. I discovered the situation I was in and I changed my behaviour. I became rude and boastful so that my teacher vandivenge, but in the process I ended up falling for him. I am a Christian, well cultured girl and I know that it’s a sin but I am helpless. I am so ashamed of myself. Please help me end this inappropriate relationship.

Response

Thank you for your letter. I am very well, thanks for asking. At 23 you are a major and expected to reason like one. You thought misbehaving would make you invisible to the teacher? Quite the contrary it made you stand out as a student in need of guidance. The fact that people were spreading rumours about you should not have disturbed you one bit. Rumours are usually short-lived and usually fade to nothing if you pay it no mind. Why did you willingly fall in love with a married man? What is it in aid of? There is a conflict of interest here and he may end up giving you marks you don’t deserve. 
Dear Amai Chisamba - Having An Affair With A Married Man
This will spoil you and set you up to fail come public exam season. At your age how exactly does one parade themselves as rude and boastful? You cannot then go on to say you are a cultured Christian woman. The one good thing I grasped from your letter is that you still have a conscience despite everything. If you are ashamed of yourself simply stop what you are doing. You are not helpless that’s why you made an effort to write to me. I advise you to just turn over a new leaf and focus on what is important like your education. Never be someone else’s sidekick or small house. It is important to keep your pride. There are so many guys who are looking for true love. Don’t be used as a lab rat, don’t let people experiment on you. Pray for yourself and those around you. I wish you all the best.

Abusive father is draining me

How are you Amai Chisamba? It is with a heavy heart that I write to you. I am a girl aged 18 and I recently completed my Advanced Level studies and I am waiting for my results. My parents are very controlling and my father is verbally abusive towards me. Everyday ndinotukwa for the smallest mistake I make to the biggest one. I have been subjected to insults for most of my life. Mai Chisamba I know I’m not old enough to do what I want but my parents don’t even allow me to go out and meet my friends. I’m expected to just run errands and head back to the house, no time for a social life. My mom is so down to earth when it comes to talking to my dad everything zvataurwa kunyange zvisingaite zvinotoitwa chete . I don’t even try to complain or defend myself because my father often points out that I must be open to constructive criticism . In our family everyone fears my father, he’s like a lion and his sisters know him and his habit of being condescending towards other people. My father delights in being mean to others, he often tells me I am possessed by demons and yet we go to Church every weekend and even the priest has not come to such a conclusion. I need a break from being constantly scolded, the problem is really a big one because there is no one I can tell to reprimand him. His people are all scared of him. I sometimes think of suicide but when I think of a potentially good career ahead of me I push such thoughts out of my head. Please amai ndibatsireiwo.

Response

Thank you for writing in. I think everyone in your family has a part to play to resolve this problem. It is unfortunate that most parents in our culture find it hard to let go when their children grow up. They seem to take forever to let go of the training wheels. As children grow up we need to give each other some elbow space. It is not a good sign when your children and spouse are afraid of you. Communication plays a pivotal role so families need to engage in dialogue. In my view your family is not a happy one because even your mother is scared of your dad. I don’t know what you have done to be described by your father as demonic. Let me ask a few questions, how do you answer back when insults are hurled your way? Have you displayed that you are irresponsible on several occasions because I don’t understand why they don’t trust you. Why are they so controlling? When you describe your father as a lion I become very concerned, lions are ruthless. In fact they should be left undisturbed in the jungle. At 18 you are a major and you should be treated as such. I think you may try to go through family structures like anatete, vanambuya or anasekuru. It seems like you are just assuming that they are afraid of your father. You are family and you need each other. Do not contemplate suicide that is often a route chosen by someone who is guilty of something. Such thoughts should not be entertained you need to sincerely pray about it and see a counsellor about this. Prove to your parents that you are not a spent force by doing good things. You have to earn their trust. It is in your best interest to have a good relationship with your parents because they will always be your parents. I wish you all the best.

Maiguru is interfering in my marriage

Dear Amai, I am a married man aged 33. My wife who is 27 and I were blessed with two beautiful kids. My problem amai is that my in laws are nosey, especially maigururu, sisi vemudzimai wangu. She interferes with everything we do and she is the best friend of my wife. They discuss everything that goes on behind our closed doors. There is no secret that can be kept between us. Maiguru is not married why can’t she leave my marriage alone? We have had a talk about her being an unwanted third party in my marriage. If this behaviour continues I am prepared to leave her sister and look for another wife. She must mind her own business.

Response

Hello dear writer. Your letter is rather short and when people write to me I encourage them to furnish me with as much details as they can. Regardless, I will do my best to give you sound advice. You say she is interfering with your marriage but you do not tell me exactly what she is doing. Just saying varikukutonga is not giving me much to go on. You are right a marriage is for two people but we welcome input from our friends and family as long as they give us constructive ideas. Take it one step at a time and see what the real problem is. Your wife should learn to keep what you describe as secrets to herself. There is no way maiguru can guess these things. It seems like you don’t get on well with her. The fact that she is not married does not make her a lesser person she remains your sister in law and your wife’s mukoma. Maiguru should not overstep her boundaries. Being close with your sister is natural. It is a common thing among siblings. It is also good for the well-being of the family and siblings. If maiguru continues with what you deem to be wayward behaviour then you can tell tete as the first step and see how it goes. You did not give me details of why kusaroorwa kwamaiguru kwapinda munyaya. Why do I have a feeling that your mind is already made up about getting another wife. Why are you already jumping the gun? Let’s work things out first and see how it goes. Marriages are for life. You don’t even think of the two kids you have wakutoda mumwe mukadzi? What guarantee do you have that all will be well with the next woman? Please remember when you make decisions as parents most of them will affect your innocent kids too. Finally keep your wife in check she is the one who is confusing you and maiguru. Sit down and have a candid talk as husband and wife. Remember to always pray for your family.


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